31 August 1999

BAC Closed

5 September 1999

PGA Survives First Week

12 September 1999

Flight Unlimited III to be Released in U.S. on Tuesday

Pilot Reports

The crash trucks came out in honor of Mike "Hot Brakes" Harrison (1021) at Buchannan this week when his flaps failed to deploy and he touched down at a higher speed than is recommended given the length of runway 01R. Although he rolled off the end of the runway, he managed to avoid damage to either plane or property until overzealous firefighting personnel sprayed foam around the smoking wheels of the plane as a precautionary measure, thus completely trashing whatever was left of the brakes.

Louis "Lights Out" Leblond (1011) managed to land safely at Moffet earlier this week during a dawn flight when his aircraft suffered an electrical failure. This was the second electrical failure this week for the intrepid new pilot. For anyone wishing to speak with Leblond about the example he set by getting all those hours in last week, he was last seen heading for the PGA maintenance hangar after muttering something about "having a few words with the guy who takes care of my bird."

Dick "Bull in the China Shop" Lisboa broke the china coming into Gnoss on Wednesday with a landing that nonetheless left the gear intact. The PGA Runway Hardness Investigation Officer has been dispatched to the scene to determine if the problem was with Lisboa's landing technique or an overly hard runway.

Dave "Gasping for Air" Keeran (1031) gets this week's award for smelliest plane. Between Mrs. Phelz getting sick and a load of livestock, no one has been able to get within 50 yards of the plane without being knocked flat by the stench.

Student pilot Urs "Chainsaw" Müger (1028) trimmed the trees at the end of the runway at Delta on takeoff the other day, having calculated takeoff over a 50-foot obstacle according to the standard in the Pilot Operating Handbook. He was startled to discover that the trees were, in fact, slightly over 50 feet. Müger also suffered an engine failure that trip and made a brilliant emergency landing at Travis AFB. Nonetheless, the passengers on the flight were less than impressed, someone is going to have to clean the plane.

Urs also apparently has taken on as Michael "Thump" Richards' apprentice, and determined that the runway surface at Half Moon Bay is too hard for some types of landings.

Darby "Quit Picking on Me" Willcox (1013) has had another spot of his usual luck, it is reported that the FAA is investigating charges that he has been buzzing the tower at Napa. When cornered, Willcox groused that the tower controller is "positively dangerous" and had threatened to shoot him down. PGA officials, remembering what a good job Darby did washing planes, were going to hire a firm known as "Broken Knees Alternative Dispute Resolution Service" to represent him in the upcoming mediation. However, in light of recent developments, said officials have decided to spend the money on an aircraft cleaning service instead.

17 September 1999

Jet Pilot Gone Missing

PGA's only rated jet pilot, Joel "Eat My Wake Turbulence" Rogers (1006) was to have taken delivery of his new BeechJet this week. However, no one has heard from BACU's number one customer since Tuesday, and it is feared he may have taken delivery directly from the factory and gone looking for hurricanes.

24 September 1999
BOSS STILL AWAY

Well its now six days since the Boss was taken by those men in white, er sorry wrong script. Its six days now since the Boss went on a well earned vacation and I`m sure you will all join with me in wishing that she is enjoying the peace and quite that only life in a log cabin miles from civilization can bring. Not for her the soft option of a five star hotel on some sun kissed beach. Watching the sun slowly sink below the horizen with a long cool drink in her hand. Stupid I call it.

14 October 1999

Unauthorized News Page Under Investigation

While the Boss was away slaughtering wildlife all over the fragile taiga of the upper Yukon River, someone apparently broke into the PGA offices and published unauthorized news pages. While suspicions and accusations have been flying, circumstantial evidence points to Peter "Who, Me?" Fellowes as the most likely author.

However, authorities say Fellowes could not have acted alone.

"He may have done the writing," says Special Investigator Torpor of the San Jose Rent-a-Cops, "but that Baron driver, he would have had to run the presses!"

"I know nothing about the news page," Fellowes was heard to say, "and dont think you can link me with the cellar!"

The investigation is continuing.

21 February 2000

Darby Breaks 200 Hours

Darby Willcox (1013) became the first BAC/PGA pilot to break the 200 hour mark this week, with his combined BAC and PGA time adding up to a total of 200.37 hours.

Management initially was pleased by this news and made preparations to present Darby with a commemorative plaque to hang on the wall of his cabin out on Lake Berryessa. However, after a bit of calculating revealed that only about .004% of Darby's life to date has been spent in service to PGA, the Board of Directors decided that honoring him in such a way would set a bad example for the other pilots.

6 June 2000

Spurlock Hits 200 Hours

PGA Supervisor Dave Spurlock (1094) passed the 200 hour mark this week. Spurlock started with PGA on January 26, and holds the record for the fastest rise through the ranks here at PGA.

Of course, this means that Dave will join Darby and Luke in having Baldrick scratch his name in the crud on the restroom wall. No... we aren't sure how he does it either, but we are sure we don't want to know.

29 August 2000

BOSS MISSING ( STILL )

Almost a week now since the Boss pulled PGA Vice President Michael Richards down from the rafters and threw all manner of books, forms, and assorted paper work at him then walked out the office door. She was last seen taking off in her DH2 Beaver for an unknown destination. The week has past as most others do around the PGA Headquarters in San Jose, a mixture of paperwork and routine administration. However the strain is beginning to tell, PGA Vice President Michael Richards in an exclusive interview yesterday said " No I don’t think its anything to do with the Doughnuts or in fact that there are at least two other PGA Pilots missing. I can assure you that the PGA President and CEO Shanya Dzhjonovna is in fact at a secret location combining work with a little well earned relaxation". We asked where this location was Vice President Richards replied " I don’t know she said she was not going to tell me because it was a secret".

In an extraordinary turn of events this week there is another PGA Pilot not missing. He is in fact not missing because most members of PGA do in fact know where he is, its just that he is not here. PGA Pilot Jorge El Grande, it is believed, (as reported last week) that he ran into problems on what should have been the sort of routine charter flight that PGA specialize in. Reports that he is being held against his will in a military establishment somewhere are being played down as are rumors that in fact his freedom is part of a trade off for some new super stocks of Doughnuts. It can be reveled that plans for a rescue bid are well under way and we hope they may be implemented as soon as the party, planning of, which is also under way, is over. We hope to have more news next week.

More sad news this week for PGA when it was made public that Captain Blackadder has also gone missing. In a short statement today PGA Financial Director Peter Fellowes said "He was last seen some weeks ago in a ceremony to hand over the keys to his Cessna 172 Trainer that had been won by another Pilot in a competition organized by Captain Blackadder himself, he has not been seen since". Financial Director Fellowes continued "He was a good friend of mine, we started flying together back in the old days of Bay Area Charter out of Half Moon Bay, I have no idea where he is, I don’t know how we are going to tell Baldrick the news".

1 July 2001

Test Successful - PGA Joins the Matrix

PGA's tests of a proposed new system of operation have been held over the last two weeks in our ultra top-secret proving grounds, Area 51-1/2. The intrepid test pilots picked up on the idea in short order and dove in with both feet.

The overwhelming consensus is that it is a smashing success.

The basis of our new system of operation is a Matrix Game. Matrix Games are the creation of Chris Engle, a social therapist and inveterate gamer who developed the concept as a way to model situations non-mathematically. The Matrix Game concept is copyrighted by Chris Engle and Hamster Press, and is used for PGA with his permission. PGA is considerably more structured than the typical Matrix Game, but in part that's because we started out life as something else and so now are becoming sort of a hybrid between what we have been for the last two years and a Matrix Game.

All pilots are urged to review the new Operations Manual and take a look at the newly-visible "Area 51-1/2" forum to see how it works. Only the Test Pilots are allowed to post to the Area 51-1/2 forum at this time, to avoid confusion. Questions and comments should be posted to The Training Room.

You will still be able to use the existing missions (we're leaving them up) for those times when you're not able to drum up your own business, and of course this opens up opportunities to integrate your adventures and play off of one another. After all, when you get down to it, what is a VA but a type of roll-playing game? We're just the first VA to make it official.

28 March 2002

PGA Management and Pilots Return from Amazon Adventure

After a sudden disappearance, several boring hours of flight punctuated by moments of intense excitement on the ground, weeks slogging over and through the Amazon jungle, suffering frustration and madness, listening to an endless stream of Elvis impersonations, being captured or avoiding being captured by the Pesh Pesh, rescuing or being rescued from the Pesh Pesh, chasing snails, and finally triumphantly returning with a Pilatus Porter slung under an improbable Sikorsky Skycrane, most of PGA management and several pilots finally returned to San Jose this week, there to resume normal flight duties.

As reward for their heroic duty, each pilot who participated in the adventure will be receiving one (1) gold bar, to be added to the roster to commemorate their participation and/or otherwise reward them for helping us all to have a lot of fun. Those pilots (and mechanic) are as follows:

The Boss
Mr Boss
Cap'n Dave
Rick Smith
Pooter Pilot
Dondo
The Flying Avo
Captain Geoff
Lukexcom
Andy "Long Haul" Booth
Mac the Wrench

Cap't Flaps Receives FAA's Highest Award

Cap't Flaps recently received the FAA's most coveted award for excellence in flight safety and procedures. The trophy, bearing the image of a winged pig in full flight, was apparently designed to symbolize the firm belief of the FAA that no pilot -- much less a PGA pilot -- would ever win this award.

Congratulations, Cap't Flaps. Keep up the good work!

14 July 2003

Pilot Suspect in Petersburg and Ketchikan Fires
by Hod Idit

(Ketchikan, AK) The brush fire that managed to keep local firefighters busy around Petersburg and the fire that nearly destroyed Ketchikan last weekend were not accidents.

"We knew someone had to be behind these fires," stated local state trooper Lew N. Forsman. "Have you ever tried lighting a campfire in southeast? You just don't get fires like this in a place that averages 170 inches of rain a year - the whole place is waterlogged and simply won't burn unless you dump kerosene on it or something."

And that's apparently just what someone did. According to Forsman, traces of liquid paraffin have been found on trees around Petersburg and on buildings and foliage in and around Ketchikan.

"It was the only way the place could have burned," reiterated Forsman.

Theories as to who and why abound.

"At this point, we're mostly looking at strangers to the area who left town immediately after the fire, and particularly those whose property somehow escaped the fire."

Forsman declined to comment on any specific leads the troopers are pursuing, but Greg Retch, owner of the local Air Waves charter service, says that the troopers were asking some pretty pointed questions about a pilot he'd recently contracted to help out with the extra charter work he had due to the exceptional weather. The pilot, known only as "Chadza," left town the morning after the fire, the amphibious Caravan he brought with him from another charter airline operating out of Valdez having somehow escaped harm from the blaze.

"The night of the fire, he'd just happened to tie his plane up out yonder by the end of the jetty," Retch reported.

Troopers declined to comment if they were seeking the mysterious Chadza in connection with the blaze.

"Nice guy, really - and a darned good pilot," Retch said. "Who would have thought he'd burn the town down like that?"

25 August 2003

On the Road Again...
by Ernest E. Rudite

(San Jose, CA) What started as a way to bring Dondo (1087) home from Kansas turned sour, according to some. The add-on charter was a group of die-hard Willie Nelson fans celebrating his 23rd annual "Farewell" tour. Not counting on this wrinkle was our illustrious Cap'n Dave (1094). Connecting through Van Nuys on the way to San Francisco, Dondo was in the left seat while a (ahem) watchful Cap'n Dave sat right. Always a stickler for rules, Cap'n Dave commandeered the controls for final into KVNY after an admittedly fast approach on Dondo's part. The leg into KSFO was unremarkable. On an interesting note, Dondo was informed that "bending the Lear" would result in a loss of personal finances and an equal amount of a certain anatomical region. This reporter has seen this ugliness before, gentle readers. It's not pretty. Try to imagine Cap'n Dondo a foot shorter...but only when sitting down...

2 September 2003

PGA Pilot Joins Roy Ban Crowd
by Marvin Once More

(San Jose, CA) I am proud to announce that Dondo (Pilot #1087) passed his navigation exercise and was thereby promoted to the rank of Senior Captain. Senior Captain Dondo. Scary thought ain't it folks? If you see him strutting around with his new Roy Ban Sunglasses, make sure you congratulate him.

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