Bonez
10-31-2009, 12:58
It's a beautiful day here in SJC. The skies are singing, the birds are clear......wait, that's wrong.....damn this jetlag!
I stumbled into the PGA hangar looking for some work. It was quiet, real quiet. A few cobwebs over there, some built up dust on the pile of FAA accident investigation forms over there. But there was one clean spot ight in the middle of the counter. A spot that had a fresh piece of paper out of the fax machine.
It said:
Bonez,
Good to see you, there are charters to fly so get to it!
This first one might give you a few problems but I'm sure you'll get around them in your usual murcid fashion.
The Boss
Problems? Murcid Fashion? What the heck is she talking abo (KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)
"Hey, is this Pierglass Aviation?"
"Sure is, how can I help?"
"We have a charter booked. We've got to get to Gnoss and Concorde."
"Not a problem, it's my first day back but it seems like I'm the only one here to fly today so grab your gear and I'll go scare up a plane. So what do you need to do out at Gnoss and Concorde?"
"We're Fraud Investigators. Seems a few years back there was this Australian guy flying all over this area running some pretty shady deals. Guy by the name of "Bones". You ever heard of him?"
(dodgy American accent) "Bones?!?! Well golly gee, I ain't never heard of a feller going by that name out here! Seems to me he might have been using an alias dagnab it! Goooollllllllllyyyyyyyyyy!" (Damn I miss Gomer Pyle!)
Hoping that my impressive voice acting skills could carry me through this flight I headed out to the hangar and grabbed the only plane I could find.
KSJC KDVO KCCR KSJC Cessna 172 119nm 3 Amateur Fraud Investigators $10 Average 6
So I was sitting in a plane with three rather grumpy and officious fraud investigators when I came up with a brilliant plan. I could feed these guys misinformation for the whole trip. Shift them off my trail and perhaps get a second (or third, okay 15th chance) at a life in the only slightly curvy and a little less wide.
Once I got settled on the first leg to Gnoss Field I started up a conversation.
"So, you guys are looking for Bones? What exactly did he do?"
"He was avoiding landing fees by using duct tape on his registration numbers. Every time he took off he would alter the registration so that the next landing was booked to a different plane. In 6 months around this area he managed to rack up over $4800 in fees that he never paid! We tried going to his boss but she said he died in Antarctica or some such story. Wait a minute, let me check my paperwork......Dammit!!! Who the hell booked us with the same airline that he used to fly for!"
This led to around 10 minutes of the head honcho investigator screaming at the two lackeys in the back about conflict of interest. I figured that as long as he's yelling at them and not looking too closely at me and the old picture he had in his file I was doing ok.
Or so I thought......
"You know, you look a little like this picture here. The hair isn't long and the beard is gone, but the eyes, the shifty shifty eyes. They look real familiar!"
"Oh CRAP!! Look at that plane in front of us!!!! What the hell is he doing taking off in the wrong direction while I'm on final!!!!
The Maule flew over our heads with about 100 ft of clearance and the three investigators turned as white as the driven snow.
"I'm calling the FAA about that moron as soon as I land," I said angrily, "Some pilots around the Bay seem to think that procedures can't be followed, but I'm not one of them. By the book, by hook or by crook. That's what I've always said."
The lead investigator was finally starting to relax his sphincter and I could see that my little officious outburst had taken his mind off my similarity to the photo. After all, what crazy fraudster pilot would voluntarily get in contact with the FAA?
We landed at KDVO and the investigators took a half hour or so interview the airport manager and get more details on my, I mean, their criminal's activities. I meanwhile took the time to duck out to the local Aviator store and pick up a nice set of Raybans, a cap that I could pull down over my face and a nice bomber jacket to pull the collar up on.
Looking like a reject extra from Air America we headed off to Concorde. The investigators seemed quiet on this trip. Apparently the airport manager had been fired for allowing so many unpaid landing fees and the new guy had no idea what had happened.
Concorde was different, however. As I taxied the plane in to the parking area a red faced airport official came storming up to the Cessna.
"I've told you PGA nuts a thousand times! I don't want you landing at my airport! Look at this piece of junk. It's covered in dust, held together by Duct Tape and looks like it should have been scrapped years ago! Not to mention the noise that it makes. I've got angry residents phoning me complaining about backfires and loud engines and they aren't going to stop for the next 3 hours!"
I apologised as best I could and slipped the manager a $100 bill to take his mind off the problem. The investigators had a chat for an hour and seemed to be taking a lot of notes. They had a gleam in their eyes when they returned and I couldn't help but ask them about their investigation.
"Oh it's going great now," said the head honcho, "We just got a tip that he went to Seattle for a few months and then went to Australia. I guess he got homesick or something. Anyway, we heard that he hired a plane down there, flew a few legs and then disappeared. We can only hope that he plowed that plane into Uluru and that this matter is settled but with him leaving the country it makes him an international fugitive. We'll head over to Sydney on the next flight out and track him down."
I stifled an uproarious laugh as I thought of the fun they would have trying to find me in Australia. That search alone should by me the 3 months I need to get things sorted out over here with new documents.
The flight back to KSJC was a quiet with all three men arranging passports, visas and airline flights while I flew.
Things are looking up for Bonez!
KSJC KDVO KCCR KSJC Cessna 172 1.55 119nm $10 $1190 $1190
I stumbled into the PGA hangar looking for some work. It was quiet, real quiet. A few cobwebs over there, some built up dust on the pile of FAA accident investigation forms over there. But there was one clean spot ight in the middle of the counter. A spot that had a fresh piece of paper out of the fax machine.
It said:
Bonez,
Good to see you, there are charters to fly so get to it!
This first one might give you a few problems but I'm sure you'll get around them in your usual murcid fashion.
The Boss
Problems? Murcid Fashion? What the heck is she talking abo (KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)
"Hey, is this Pierglass Aviation?"
"Sure is, how can I help?"
"We have a charter booked. We've got to get to Gnoss and Concorde."
"Not a problem, it's my first day back but it seems like I'm the only one here to fly today so grab your gear and I'll go scare up a plane. So what do you need to do out at Gnoss and Concorde?"
"We're Fraud Investigators. Seems a few years back there was this Australian guy flying all over this area running some pretty shady deals. Guy by the name of "Bones". You ever heard of him?"
(dodgy American accent) "Bones?!?! Well golly gee, I ain't never heard of a feller going by that name out here! Seems to me he might have been using an alias dagnab it! Goooollllllllllyyyyyyyyyy!" (Damn I miss Gomer Pyle!)
Hoping that my impressive voice acting skills could carry me through this flight I headed out to the hangar and grabbed the only plane I could find.
KSJC KDVO KCCR KSJC Cessna 172 119nm 3 Amateur Fraud Investigators $10 Average 6
So I was sitting in a plane with three rather grumpy and officious fraud investigators when I came up with a brilliant plan. I could feed these guys misinformation for the whole trip. Shift them off my trail and perhaps get a second (or third, okay 15th chance) at a life in the only slightly curvy and a little less wide.
Once I got settled on the first leg to Gnoss Field I started up a conversation.
"So, you guys are looking for Bones? What exactly did he do?"
"He was avoiding landing fees by using duct tape on his registration numbers. Every time he took off he would alter the registration so that the next landing was booked to a different plane. In 6 months around this area he managed to rack up over $4800 in fees that he never paid! We tried going to his boss but she said he died in Antarctica or some such story. Wait a minute, let me check my paperwork......Dammit!!! Who the hell booked us with the same airline that he used to fly for!"
This led to around 10 minutes of the head honcho investigator screaming at the two lackeys in the back about conflict of interest. I figured that as long as he's yelling at them and not looking too closely at me and the old picture he had in his file I was doing ok.
Or so I thought......
"You know, you look a little like this picture here. The hair isn't long and the beard is gone, but the eyes, the shifty shifty eyes. They look real familiar!"
"Oh CRAP!! Look at that plane in front of us!!!! What the hell is he doing taking off in the wrong direction while I'm on final!!!!
The Maule flew over our heads with about 100 ft of clearance and the three investigators turned as white as the driven snow.
"I'm calling the FAA about that moron as soon as I land," I said angrily, "Some pilots around the Bay seem to think that procedures can't be followed, but I'm not one of them. By the book, by hook or by crook. That's what I've always said."
The lead investigator was finally starting to relax his sphincter and I could see that my little officious outburst had taken his mind off my similarity to the photo. After all, what crazy fraudster pilot would voluntarily get in contact with the FAA?
We landed at KDVO and the investigators took a half hour or so interview the airport manager and get more details on my, I mean, their criminal's activities. I meanwhile took the time to duck out to the local Aviator store and pick up a nice set of Raybans, a cap that I could pull down over my face and a nice bomber jacket to pull the collar up on.
Looking like a reject extra from Air America we headed off to Concorde. The investigators seemed quiet on this trip. Apparently the airport manager had been fired for allowing so many unpaid landing fees and the new guy had no idea what had happened.
Concorde was different, however. As I taxied the plane in to the parking area a red faced airport official came storming up to the Cessna.
"I've told you PGA nuts a thousand times! I don't want you landing at my airport! Look at this piece of junk. It's covered in dust, held together by Duct Tape and looks like it should have been scrapped years ago! Not to mention the noise that it makes. I've got angry residents phoning me complaining about backfires and loud engines and they aren't going to stop for the next 3 hours!"
I apologised as best I could and slipped the manager a $100 bill to take his mind off the problem. The investigators had a chat for an hour and seemed to be taking a lot of notes. They had a gleam in their eyes when they returned and I couldn't help but ask them about their investigation.
"Oh it's going great now," said the head honcho, "We just got a tip that he went to Seattle for a few months and then went to Australia. I guess he got homesick or something. Anyway, we heard that he hired a plane down there, flew a few legs and then disappeared. We can only hope that he plowed that plane into Uluru and that this matter is settled but with him leaving the country it makes him an international fugitive. We'll head over to Sydney on the next flight out and track him down."
I stifled an uproarious laugh as I thought of the fun they would have trying to find me in Australia. That search alone should by me the 3 months I need to get things sorted out over here with new documents.
The flight back to KSJC was a quiet with all three men arranging passports, visas and airline flights while I flew.
Things are looking up for Bonez!
KSJC KDVO KCCR KSJC Cessna 172 1.55 119nm $10 $1190 $1190